making sense of gibberish

 “Be yourself.” I’ve said and heard this countless times all throughout my life, and yet for some reason, I feel like I’m only starting to understand this now.

Ah, so much growing pains at the age of 30. I got completely lost just recently and now trying to figure things out. Things I thought I figured out in my 20′s. I now constantly ask myself, “Who are you? Who are you REALLY?” I have put on layers and layers of what people expect me to be, more so, what I expect from myself; layers of what I want to be and how I want others to see me. I’ve always worried about what my family and peers would say about me, and I can see that this has hindered me from unleashing the brilliant creature I’m meant to be. 

It’s about time for me to shed some skin. 

I started the year right by putting this lovely present from my brother to use. Every night, before I go to sleep, I’m excited to write about what I’m thankful for. It’s really nice because I’m more aware of the little things. Everyday, I’m in search for something to write on this little book, and it makes me feel really good because I realize that there are countless things to be thankful for, and it’s a really good habit to acknowledge them.

I won’t lie or deny. His kiss was electrifying, and it seems like I won’t be able to find that feeling from anyone else for the time being. I didn’t mean to compare, but it really couldn’t be helped. The empty feeling the morning after made it crystal clear; the contrast is too obvious to ignore. 

I know missing him is part of the painful process. I’m acknowledging and accepting that. I want to sink into the warmth again, and feel, even for a slight moment, that everything is perfect.

2018 is about to come to a close, and I am more than ready to kiss it goodbye. This was a year of intensified emotions. I’ve had moments when I was inspired, moved to tears even. I’ve had days when I was over the moon, and I actually felt the smile in my lips light up my eyes! And then at the other end of the spectrum, I struggled with my mental health. I can’t count how many hours I’ve spent spacing out, or how many days I’ve burst into tears out of nowhere. So much has happened, and it’s quite insane it all took place in just a year. 

I guess it’s both good and bad that I had major reality checks. So much pain, betrayal, lies, excuses and deceit. Heartbreak in many forms. People I mistook for friends. Horror stories about failed marriages and divorces. Being alone most of the time. And the most shameful of all– I felt so much anger and hatred. I’m not the type, but this darkness just loomed over me, and I can feel that I am no longer the same person. 

I say it was both good and bad, because obviously it sucked big time, but in the end, I still wanted to choose love and kindness. I don’t want to give up on that, no matter how shitty other people can be. I want love and kindness in me, and I want to exude that to other people. 

Lastly, and most importantly, I’m choosing me. I’ll try to put myself first from now.

So, 2019, please be good. 

I’ll let it consume me. And if it’s time for you to move on to your next journey, I want you to look back and be able to see that the previous one you were on taught you a whole lot about kindness and love. 

For the time being, I have stopped believing in the concept of “forever”. When I was younger, it only seemed logical for “forever” to automatically follow once you find the man of your dreams, marry him and start a family of your own. I overlooked the possibilities of adultery, affairs and abuse, among others, which can end marriage in a snap. For the longest time, this naive, fairy-tale-raised girl has always dreamed of finding the right one and living happily ever after. But I know better now. The world isn’t equally kind to the human race.