making sense of gibberish

Amidst the emotional turmoil, I have refused to retaliate even if I have been longing to react violently. Tears were shed and I have remained silent. Instead of opening my mouth, I opened my ears and my mind in order to gain an understanding as to why things are the way they are at the moment.

Along the way, I have bumped into realizations that are pretty hard to swallow. Realizations on priorities, values and relationships; realizations on how much I have changed and, similarly, on how I SHOULD be. I wish I could specify everything that I have learned the past few days, but it’s a complicated web of thoughts that written nor spoken words can’t really justify. But one important thing that I can state is this— God let all this happen so that I may keep still and have a major reality check. As cliched as it may sound, the truth hurts, but it’s much, much harder to bow down in humility. I’m not saying that I am able to do that right now, but I’m trying.

This quest for answers continues on, and it’s comforting to know that new pathways have been set— it’s just all up to me which one I’ll decide to take.

The pride of a lion, a heart of stone. At least, that’s how it appeared to me. But little did I know that something was already in the works, and my seemingly sturdy walls were secretly and slowly crumbling down; penetrated without my knowledge, until they were hit with one big, massive blow. It shook me madly, and I just came crashing down.

I discovered that heartbreak comes in different forms. No words can express all the confusion and hurt that I have started to feel again after all these years. Ironically, no matter how familiar the pain, all this is new to me. An eye-opener indeed for both the good and the bad.

I like taking long walks. Although it’s quite a struggle lately due to the (INSANE) summer heat— but all the same, I enjoy having a little stroll to allow my mind to wander along as well. And tonight, I realized this:

The devil is always out to get you.

Put your guards down for just a split second and he will get into your head just as swiftly. He loathes everything about you; it is his mission to crush every little thing that gives you hope and happiness. Succumb constantly and you will go blind— you will no longer see the difference between darkness and light.The worst scenario is when you’re at war with yourself. In the presence of insecurities, lowered self-worth and self-doubt, evil smiles. You are already weak as a human being, and you make things a whole lot easier for the devil when you refuse to believe in your own capabilities, causing yourself to weaken even further.

My answer to my current anxieties:

I HAVE A BIGGER GOD.

I will not allow the darkness to suck my dreams into oblivion.

One minute you’re happy, content, comfortable, complacent. The sails of your boat embark on a smooth trip with some occasional bumpy rocks here and there. But generally, you are okay. Then the fresh air you breathe in your lungs gradually turns dry, and the current is way beyond your control. Cloudless skies just can’t last that long; it is simply nature taking its course of justice and balance in the world, and you, in turn, just have to suck your stomach in tight to keep yourself from tipping over.

It is the natural order of things, so might as well just brace yourself until the calm finds its way back to you.

Why am I here? I can only think of two possible answers:

1) Because I am good enough, even if I refuse to believe it;
2) Because surrounding myself with veterans will teach me how to humble myself and finally accept that I can only go so far

I can do more, I know I can. If only the flame burned intensely earlier on. If only I realized the importance of formal training. I am presently battling with the lack of experience, technique and confidence in me to pursue what I love to do. I’ve encountered a fork in the road and am undecided on whether to continue fighting the odds or to just raise my white flag.

How can I tell? How do I know if the devil’s just out to crush my dreams to a pulp… Or if this truly is a lesson of humility?

I think plenty would agree when I say that girls complain a lot, especially when it comes to their appearances. I’m not generalizing, though I think that most (if not all) have this innate, uncontrollable knack for comparing themselves with other people. Then enters the thought of how unfair it is since guys don’t have to make so much effort to groom themselves. On the other hand, girls spend their time and money on hair cuts and treatments, waxing/ threading/ laser services, manicures and pedicures, and, of course their clothes and accessories, which have a gazillion subcategories.

Yup. Insecurity piles up and girls end up with an empty wallet.

But they still do it anyway.

In general, we like whining about different matters but you see, it is us who place ourselves under such situations… When we can choose not to. Just like what my Philosophy teacher used to always say— you ALWAYS have a choice. So what right do we have to complain if circumstances are just fruits of all the little decisions that we make? Perhaps, when things aren’t in our favor, all we have to do is take a detour and discover other options. Who knows, maybe life is just trying to teach us something new.

Just putting things in perspective.
Did that make sense?

“Only people who’ve been discriminated against can really know how much it hurts. Each person feels the pain in his own way, each has his own scars. So I think I’m as concerned about fairness and justice as anybody. But what disgusts me even more are people who have no imagination. The kind that T.S. Elliot calls hollow men. People who fill up that lack of imagination with heartless bits of straw, not even aware of what they’re doing. Callous people who throw a lot of empty words at you, trying to force you to do what you don’t want to… Narrow minds devoid of imagination. Intolerance, theories cut off from reality, empty terminology, usurped ideals, inflexible systems. Those are the things that really frighten me. What I absolutely fear and loathe. Of course it’s important to know what’s right and what’s wrong. As long as you have the courage to admit mistakes, things can be turned around. But intolerant, narrow minds with no imagination are like parasites that transform the host, change form and continue to thrive.”
- Oshima from Haruki Murakami’s novel, “Kafka on the Shore”

It’s taking me forever to finish this book, only because I forget or sometimes refuse to pick it up. I’m too caught up doing different things that I barely give time for just sitting back and having a good read. It’s Black Saturday now though, and I am at a resort with my family. Thankfully, the novel caught my eye again before we left and I decided to bring it along.

I am reminded of how bizarre Murakami’s works are. I’ve strolled through his imagination a couple of times, having read around 3 or 4 of his books. And every time I do, I am taken to surreal dimensions that are just too out of this world for me to explain— but I keep reading on anyway. Murakami has a unique way of weaving stories, and despite the absurdity, he takes his reader to profound heights and concrete, down-to-earth truths.The excerpt that I just typed out struck me so much that I couldn’t resist not writing it down, in hopes that other people would read about it, too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a book to finish